1. The first thing as a woman that I would advise you to do, is to go and speak to an independent financial adviser. Because I don't know about you, but I didn't have a clue about pensions. And I just about knew what a savings account was, and what current account was, I mean, we all kind of know what that is to me. But do you know about the amount of interest that you get on those accounts? Do you know what happens to your account? If you've got a joint account and you're going through a divorce? Do you know how that works? Do you know about your insurance? And what will happen to your insurances, all those kinds of things that you never really thought about, you're going to have to when you go through a divorce, and if you don't think about those things, then you're suddenly going to meet me and I'm going to just I mean it'll just feel like a vomit of facts and figures and you'll be like, you'll just kind of nod at me and then you'll leave me an hour later and you'll be like, I don't have a clue what happens. There's the next big thing that you need to understand is your lawyer will not have the time for you that you want them to have. Yeah. And if you do want that time with your lawyer, it will cost you a lot of money. So you go and see an independent financial advisor and you understand today, what your finances look like and what you need to think about in terms of those finances.

2. Be realistic. Your children are going to see you at your lowest your children are going to see you at your worst. And again the ice cream does come out at midnight they will see that or you will have left the ice cream out of the bottle or the two second bottle. They are going to see you being different. And the point is that you need to be honest, but in a focused way. So they don't need to know that mommy or daddy or grandma or auntie whoever has decided that you should no longer be able to stay wherever or go wherever or you're not talking to this person anymore because they've sided with your ex partner. They don't need to hear that detail. But what they can hear is just feeling a little bit sad today. You know, you know what it's like, if you've had a bad day at school or if you're not getting on with your friend or whoever that may be you know, make that friends are real you know if it's George or Harry or whoever it is make that person real. You know what happens when you're having a bad day with George. I'm just having a bad day today. But don't worry, you know, I'm gonna get myself some ice cream or I'm gonna feel better or can you think of a way that you know we can cheer me up today and you know and encourage them in that way to understand that today's a bad day but I'm gonna feel better tomorrow. They need to understand that it has nothing to do with them and I know that that's such a such an obvious thing to say.

3. What do you know about their pension and why would you what questions do you know to ask? And so this is this is the third thing that I think is so important is to have your list of questions because knowing what to ask, is actually quite empowering. Yeah. So if you know that there's a pension. Okay. I think my ex partner has a pension. Okay. What what's the name of the pension? Archie? I don't know. How long has your ex been in the pension fund for actually, I don't, I don't know. It's okay not to know those things. But if you have that on your list of questions, okay, I need to know how long my ex partner has been paying into this pension for. I need to know what the name of the pension is. I need to know is it a final salary pension? All of those kinds of things that's not you being stupid. That's you saying, these are the things that I need to know from the independent financial adviser, they will help you formulate those types of questions around your finances. And it's that if you come to me if you come to your solicitor equipped with those questions with those answers, it may be that you can't get the answer to all those questions, but that's where we step in.

4. A divorce in my experience is a good year to 18 months in the making. And you you know it's there. Generally speaking, you know, it's there, but you kind of bury it and you hope it'll go away. And you might have a great family holiday. Or you might say, I'm gonna let him do his thing. And then once he's finished doing his thing, he'll come back to me. So you always knew that something wasn't right. It's just how you chose to deal with it. And I'm saying to you, that when you then know okay, this is it. We're getting divorced. I'm saying to you wake up to that as quickly as possible. And that you shouldn't have been blindsided not being and that you should now prepare yourself and prepare yourself in the way that he had been preparing himself for the last year to 18 months. And that means sometimes being quite clinical about your approach. Because when you're in a divorce, and when you're the one who's been told the ex partner saying I want to leave the sooner you get to grips with that, the better because you don't want and I'm sorry to say it like this, but you don't want to be taken advantage of at your most vulnerable. And you can grieve after the divorce after the divorce grief. But whilst you're going through it, get the counselling to keep you stable and keep you focused and treat the divorce in a very clinical businesslike fashion in the best way possible and understand that the person who wants to divorce you is no longer the person that you married, I think is such a massive thing for people to get their head around. But they no longer have that same person and you can't be that same person anymore either.

5. So you want to get the best lawyer, but you're not going to have access to that kind of cash flow. So it's a hard one but again, it's something that you can approach with the independent financial adviser. How much is it going the cost. Or you can go online you can go on Google and search it. It's an eye watering amount, okay. It can be anything from 10,000 to 20,000 to 30,000. Be careful when you go on the internet. And you'll see immediately 10 pages of get divorced for 100 pounds get divorced for 150 pounds. There's a reason why they're that cheap. Okay. Research the figures and identify with the assistance of your financial advisor, what it is you can afford in terms of initial advice. There are lots of lawyers who will give initial advice free. Half an hour free 45 hours free an hour free. If you want to go directly to a barrister it might be 250 pounds or 350 pounds. But you can utilise that time. It may be that you need to instruct a solicitor for a lot longer because your finances are more complicated. And so initially a solicitor may ask for a 5000 pound retainer 7000 pounds retainer 10,000 pound retainer. Don't be shocked at that. Understand that that is what they will be charging before you even think about what your barrister costs. So another big shock for people is that they pay their solicitor who's that and then they walked in and she wants money as well. So you pay your solicitor and then you also have to pay your barrister. barristers are not cheap. So when you are looking at the cost of divorce, and this is a divorce, that you aren't able to achieve an amicable outcome from initially. There are opportunities for you to mediate that does cost money. There are opportunities for you to go down the route where you use one solicitor or you use one that obviously is a lot cheaper. There are possibilities for you even to make an order to the court for your ex partner to pay your legal fees. In the first instance, you may be eligible for legal aid. So there are options for you. I don't want people to close their minds. Oh god, I can I can't afford this or I've got to do it the 150 pound route because that's all I can afford. There are options, explore them, and make sure you choose the right option for you.