If the England footy squad were investments…

Tomorrow night is the big night as England’s footballers take on Norway. As football fever sweeps the country, if the players were investments, who would they be?

Looking at performance year to date, the Vikings are ahead. The OsloBørs Benchmark Index has gone up by 15%, while the FTSE 100

Index has gone up by 5.4%. What’s driven the BorsyBoomBoom? Commodities/oil and a few gene and cell therapy stocks. Circio Holdings is up 542% this year. Herregud!

Back to teams and let’s analyse our players.

Jude Bellingham is the Global Semiconductor Index 🍪, passing to the Big Tech strikers, fuelling the boom and having a moment in the sun. He’s been unpredictable, a bit wild, but glorious to watch. Let’s hope he doesn’t crash yet. A recovery on Thursday bodes well.

Harry Kane is a Rolls-Royce share. Classy, consistent, high-quality and has been paying dividends for years. Played for the wrong team in 2022 but moved away in 2023 and has been surging since. 😉 (Indulge me, Spurs fans, he’s caused me a lot of pain over the years!) Rolls-Royce is up 46% over the last 12 months.

My beloved Bukayo Saka is cash 💷. He missed his penalty in the Euro 2020 final and had a shabby year, but has since flown. In 2020 and 2021, central banks held interest rates near 0%, meaning cash lost value to inflation every day, but since 2022, cash has yielded steady, risk-free returns of 4% to 5%, outperforming traditional bond portfolios.

Jordan Henderson wins the coveted crown of being SpaceX 🚀. He looked like he was having a great run, but you celebrate too early, you get carried off on a stretcher. IPO participants bought in at $135 a share, saw it peak at $225 and then slump to a still credible $148.

Declan Rice has to be a multi-asset fund, containing both shares and bonds. Reliable, covers a lot of ground and can attack and defend. To my son’s outrage, I secretly think he’s a bit boring. 😮 But hey – Boring Money can be the best sort!

John Stones is healthcare stocks. 💉 He hasn’t done well for most of the season but is on the up now and has had a recent surge. He’s not a new face, but every dog has its day :0) 

Moving towards the defence side, and Marc Guehi is a UK Government gilt. Generally, relatively safe and consistent returns. Will never shoot the lights out but will add slow, steady returns and protect when things get bad. Both he and UK government gilts are currently vulnerable and injured.

I’m making Nico O’Reilly as one of the bonds issued by a big tech player. Recently issued and a bit of a maverick but will probably (maybe) turn out well in the end.

And finally, we move to cool cucumber Jordan Pickford ⚽🥅. Our key defender. Maybe he should be our next Chancellor, if Count Binface isn’t available, and defend our cash?  The ultimate buffer. Never going to score a goal but defends beautifully amidst the short-term attacks.

Turning to the manager, and Thomas Tuchel is a German hedge fund 🌳. He’s not passive and makes lots of bets and active calls. Shorting some favourites and backing some new faces. Let’s hope his reading of the Norwegian market is on point.

We can't forget those who haven’t had the chance to shine. On the sideline, Ollie Watkins is value shares, patiently waiting in the wings for his moment in the sun. And poor old Phil Foden is like the formerly glorious CNBC Magnificent 7 Index, which fell 10% in June alone.  He’s had an amazing run and used to be on everyone’s picks, but is now excluded by the hedge fund watching from the sidelines.

Come on, England! I hope my Scottish and Welsh readers will indulge me. Or maybe you’ll back Norway. If so, here’s one for you. Odegaard is gold. 🪙 Has been glorious for most of the club football season (biased? Me? Nah), but is now playing for the wrong team and hopefully will continue to slump on Saturday!

For all you tennis fans, let’s consider the wonderful Arthur Fery. He’s Raspberry Pi, sitting in the FTSE 250 Index. Has been a standout performer in recent weeks, was entirely privately held before its IPO in 2024, and has remained relatively hidden to mainstream retail investors compared to other FTSE giants. Currently grabbing attention due to the rotation into UK small-cap software! We love a wild card who earns their place on the world stage!

Have a good weekend, everyone. In your quieter moments between the sport, we published the June best-selling investments across major platforms this week, so you can see what everyone else is buying.

And if you like this email and you know a footy fan who might like to learn about investing, please do share!

All together now... Sweeeeeet Caroline, BA BA BA!

Holly